When you wake up already over the day
I’m jolted awake by it most mornings – a sound, coming over the monitor, that drags me up from my dreams and brings me back to reality. My baby is up, and crying for me.
I’ll admit it. There are some mornings, especially lately, where I wish I could close my eyes and tune out the world, and drift back to sleep. But biology won’t let me, and my instincts push me up and out of bed (not to mention that darn milk reflex).
I’m tired like into my bones kind of tired. Sometimes I think, I’m only thirty-one, how can I already feel this way? What are the upcoming years going to be like if I haven’t even completed one year as a mom of two and I’m already exhausted?
It’s the never ending laundry, the dishes, the dust on the floors, the sippy cup of old milk you find in the corner under a pile of toys, the spit up on your shirt that you just.put.on, a pile of diapers to be washed, tummy time to work on, and did the toddler use the potty yet this morning (better try again so we don’t have an accident!). There are mornings I wake up and think, can I take a vacation from my own life?
The monotony of motherhood. This is where you can feel the pieces of yourself that make you you slowly disappear, and get covered in burp cloths and matchbox cars. It’s a strange place, motherhood is. You cry for a life passed, but you cry for your children’s life passing before your eyes, too. They grow so fast.
Oh, mama. I know you’re drained – I’m drained, too. You don’t want to pick up and fold another piece of clothing, you want to throw the dishes in the trash rather than wash another plate, you toss around the idea of sticking your potty trained toddler back into a diaper because you’re too tired to deal with the potty, and then, right when you drift back to sleep at night, you hear that sound come across the monitor again… you’re in the monotony of motherhood… but there is a silver lining.
Where there’s repetition, there’s safety for your little ones in the arms of a routine. Where there’s tedium, there’s a challenge to find beauty in what’s ordinary. And where there’s weariness, there’s a chance to choose to let something go (with no guilt…that’s the caveat).
When you wake up in the morning, already over the day before it’s even begun, remember the silver lining. Don’t set your heart to focus on the bad, letting another day slip by, lived in a shadow. There’s safety, there’s beauty, and there’s the letting go. Sometimes it’s all you have, but sometimes it’s all you need.