I think I have pursued perfection most of my teen and adult life.
I don’t know where I picked it up, but somewhere along the way I got the idea that in order to be accepted, admired, and worthy of friendships (or relationships) you had to be perfect.
The problem was that “perfect” was an ever-changing ideal.
Some years, it was to be a certain weight or have a certain haircut, or wear a certain style of makeup. Other years, it was academic focused and being perfect looked like straight As, 4.0 GPA, acceptance into a prestigious program, and presenting at conferences.
No one ever told me that if I did these things, I would be perfect. But each accomplishment made me feel perfect, and maybe that was more powerful than anyone ever saying the words.
When I became a mother, I realized how deeply I struggled with perfect. Children don’t know about being perfect. They don’t know about not making messes, or going to bed at certain times so you can feel well rested, or plans you’ve made that you’d feel awful changing. They do their own thing, and you have to build your life around it and with each adjustment, you have to learn to let go of little bits of perfection.
The consequence, if you try to hold too tightly, is you will eventually unravel from the pressure.
Well I’ve been there and done that. I started a whole other blog about it (My Fearless Heart) that I abandoned due to fear of it not being perfect! Oh the irony.
And I’ve abandoned this blog for many reasons over the years, some of which come back to fear of not being perceived as perfect. I think it’s easy to fall victim to this when you’re blogging. You’re literally placing your life on display, so of course you want it to look just right, whatever “right” may mean.
Right now, in this season of our lives, we are experiencing incredible change. The last several weeks have been especially stressful and I’ve found myself becoming this person I didn’t recognize – she was jaded, sarcastic, rude to her children and husband, privileged, entitled… I could go on. Worst of all, I was desperately clinging to an unattainable ideal of perfection and that was what was pushing me into a tailspin.
A few days ago I had a moment by myself where this finally came together and I saw myself for who I had been over the previous days and weeks. It was shameful. Mostly because I’ve been given so much in my life, but you would have thought by my behavior none of it mattered.
Perfectionism doesn’t always look like a put together room, a lovely dinner on the table, or an expertly-crafted item. It can look like self-punishment or anger toward others around you (or yourself), overwhelm, and expectations that make you feel like a failure. It can go so deep that sometimes it’s nearly impossible to recognize it.
All this to say: when I had this moment of realization, I decided I’m tired of perfection. I’m tired of pressuring myself to be a certain way that I perceive will make others like me, or will influence how a situation turns out, or allowing behaviors to hold me captive because I’m afraid of an invisible and non-existent repercussion.
I am so tired of the pursuit of perfection.
I reminded myself of a few things that I will share with you:
It’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to not be put together 100% of the time. It’s okay to share the messy side. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to have any of this happen, as long as you keep on trying.
For a few months I’ve been wanting to blog consistently and for once show myself that I can make this blogging thing work. Not even to make money, but just to have a consistent goal I accomplish for myself, outside of work or family life. So here I am letting you know that maybe in the past, I had a vision that this blog would be perfection…that it would show my beautiful home, my beautiful children, my shiny outside. But after this realization, I came to understand that the reason I’ve consistently failed at Charmingly Modern over the years is because the mantle of perfectionism is too heavy. I couldn’t keep up, and inside I didn’t even want to. I didn’t want to be that person I projected.
So while it’s true that I love decorating, I love organizing, I love crafts, etc… I love all of that and it’s a deep part of who I am, I can’t let there be a measure to it of what’s perfect, and what’s not. All I can do is pursue what I enjoy, share it with you – including the not pretty parts – and hope to find someone who feels the same way as I do.
I hope that in telling you this, that you’ll stick around and want to see what else is here…and that maybe, just maybe, I will begin sharing more knowing that someone else out there is also tired of perfectionism and just wants a dose of reality. I have a feeling I am not the only person who feels this way.
Thanks for reading my ramblings 🙂
Ashley says
This is a great post! It’s so hard to sit back and realize sometimes that things are not perfect!
Emmie says
As a chronic perfection chaser, this is so relatable. I’ve come to the realization that there are certain things that I’m not: I don’t create perfectly curated content, I’m not a great photographer, I’m not super outgoing at events. But for all the things I’m not, there are things that I can root myself in: I write from the heart, I only share what I feel great about, I am good at being vulnerable, and I can protect myself from situations that are overwhelming (saying no!)
Thank you for writing this.
Kelsey says
I loved reading this! Thank you for sharing!
JC Phelps says
I seek perfection in all that I do. Thank you for sharing these words, friend!
Raina says
I have to echo other comments because I also strive for perfection. Since having kids, I have had to think about what I want them to learn from me. What they see has a bigger impact than what they hear. So, I become ok with my imperfections and explain we all have areas we want to work on. Thank you for the awesome reminders!
Angel says
I love this post! Definitely need to apply these lessons to my perfection-seeking self